Politically Correct Holiday Stories by James Finn Garner

Author:James Finn Garner
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: satire, Christmas
Publisher: Macmillan
Published: 2012-06-30T19:18:43+00:00

STAVE II—THE FIRST OF THE THREE SPIRITUAL FACILITATORS

It was still dark when Scrooge next awoke. Lying on his mat, he laughed to himself for what he believed had happened earlier. While he remained open to the possibility of extra-scientific phenomena, he couldn’t validate the previous evening’s event as anything credible. Marley’s image had been so melodramatic, after all, not to mention self-righteous and accusatory. Additionally, an all-gruel diet was known to have some side effects, one of which was vivid hallucinations.

Just then the alarm on his wristwatch beeped once, and instantly a bright light pierced the darkness of his room. When his eyes adjusted, Scrooge saw before him a strange figure—a being not quite adult in stature, yet not quite child-like in appearance. Its hair, which was stylishly blown and brushed, was silver as if from experience, and yet the puckish face had not a wrinkle on it, as nearly as Scrooge could tell through its makeup. It wore a radiant sport coat with a boutonniere of holly. But the strangest thing about it was that from behind its head, there sprung a bright light—actually an entire bank of lights from the camera crew that it had brought along with it.

“Who and what are you?” demanded Scrooge, trying to sound brave.

“I am the Spirit whose coming was foretold to you,” it said into its microphone. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Retrospective, and this is my crew.”

Scrooge asked the Spirit why it had brought all the cameras.

The Spirit said, “Nobody is really afraid of ghosts anymore. They all think I’m some sort of hologram or special effect. But come in with a hard-bitten, expose-hungry camera crew, and you get people’s attention.”

“And what is it you want from me?”

“There are allegations that your life has been spent worshiping false idols and turning your back on the rest of persunkind. Would you care to comment on that?” The Spirit stuck its microphone in Scrooge’s face.

He smiled smugly. “You must really take me for someone of overtaxed mental and emotional resources. I don’t respond to anonymous allegations.”

“Then you are telling us that you are the model of a concerned, conscientious, upright citizen?”

“Yes,” Scrooge asserted, and added another untruth, “although definitely not wedded to the established order of things.”

“Then we must have been mistaken,” said the Spirit with a straight face. “I smell another story here. What do you say we review with you some of the events that shaped the upstanding man you are today?”

Scrooge saw nothing wrong with this and readily agreed. The Spirit had him sign a release then led him over to the window. “Wait a minute,” said Scrooge. “We’re three floors up. I’ll fall.”

“Give but a touch to my microphone cord,” said the Spirit, “and you’ll be borne aloft. But strap on this safety helmet anyway; I don’t need any more lawsuits. And… we’re rolling.”

As these words were spoken, Scrooge, the Spirit, and the camera crew passed through the wall and suddenly found themselves in the midst of bedlam.

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